The Mother of All Guilt

I launched the last chick a week ago. It was hard to leave him, but I am coping because I am so excited for him. Just as when my first child went off to college, I was once again in awe over all the wonderful clubs and supports that colleges offer. Maybe these things were offered when I went to college, but my head was in such another space - survival mode - that I didn't notice. I had broken with my family and was on my own, working two jobs and going to class, catching sleep time from 4:00 to midnight, when I got up to go work the late shift.

While growing up there were times when I was angry at my parents for having so little, for being poor. In my mind I was neglected because I grew uphaving to walk to the library and check out books, while my friends all ran home and watched "Dark Shadows" on their new television sets. I wanted more than two pairs of shoes, school shoes and Sunday shoes. I wanted sandals, saddle shoes, shiny patent leather, not sneakers. I wanted a store bought dress, not the one my mother made me. So what if I had a matching doll dress to go with it? I hated those big hems, so that the dress could be let down as I grew, lasting two years instead of one.

What a wonderful thing to be able to give my own children the freedom to enjoy college without working.

Or is it such a wonderful thing?

Over my lifetime I have met women who have not had to work for what they have. They moved from parents supporting them, into good jobs or husbands with good jobs. I am brutal in my opinion that they don't appreciate what they have, don't value things enough. But wait a minute - Do I only think that being poor and struggling is character building because I had to do it? Is this a legend we create to placate our struggling spirits? Have I ruined my children by giving them too much?

Just look at all the Christmas presents.

As young mothers in the 80's we spent hours playing with our babies and their educational toys. Our kids needed these toys to fully develop their brains, their creativity, to grow up well adjusted. I can see my dad shaking his head in disgust. At the time I thought he just didn't understand. His crazy stories about playing with a stick and a rock. I was so sure that my kids would be so much better off, so much more advanced, emotionally stable. They would never suffer, never struggle, not if I could help it.

What about thrift? What about re-using things? Now we recycle, having abandoned the glass milk and cola bottles that could be reused. Too expensive, a health risk. What kind of excuse is that? I don't even really know what happens to the things I recycle. Is it really better for the environment or does the process of re-fabrication pollute also? In the height of my poverty (age 19), I was so careful with my things, making them last. I remember that I would spoon the leftovers into the glass dish slowly, so as not to get food on the edge of the bowl, because I wanted the plastic wrap with which I covered it to stay clean so I could reuse it, saving water too by not having to rinse it much. One small roll of plastic wrap, one small roll of aluminum foil, one box of zip bags....these lasted me for two years. Now I buy six packs of large zip bags and giant industrial rolls of plastic wrap. (Mental picture of me skipping through the aisles of Costco tossing things in the oversized basket).

Whoa Nellie! Look at the state our country is in, California even worse. We have spent the last thirty years spending and collecting and consuming as if there is no tomorrow. Now I think maybe there will be no tomorrow. What monster did we create? What did I do by giving my kids everything? "No honey, throw that away, it fell on the floor, here have a new one." None of us willing to do without. Must have it, need it now. What ever happened to "I wish for it, I would like to have that, I'll save up for it." Every day I hear the message that I must consume if I want the economy to recover. But just what does that mean? Recover? With a closer look it seems to me that recovery just means putting money back into the pockets of a few at the cost of many. Maybe the true recovery is to learn to do with less. To go back to the state of poverty, because that is what we are all now in, as a nation, as a planet. Make each thing last as long as possible. Make do with what we have, what we need, not what we wish we had.

So now I feel guilty about giving my children too much.