When the homesick feeling hit it seemed to arrive without warning. Maybe the vertigo had been the warning, the feeling of total panic. Now, after a sleepless night in a noisy hotel, (she hadn’t noticed the train tracks late last night when she pulled in), Martha drove with no spark of happiness. Suddenly the trip seemed too long.
“What have I done?” Martha spoke these words out loud to herself, loudly, as they came in a pause between songs. Why did I think this trip was a good idea? Martha continued the conversation in her head. She tried to convince herself that she was just tired. It had been two long days, with poor sleep. Martha had the overpowering urge to turn the car around. If she drove for thirteen hours she would be home. But that would be giving up, giving in. All the reservations made, all the money spent. So she kept her eyes ahead and drove on.
At least I get to see my son today, my baby.
When Martha arrived at the university she parked and went to the door of Vince’s dorm room. She knocked quietly, she didn’t know if his room mate had class on Monday morning. No answer. The window was open so she placed her mouth against the screen. Vince? Are you there? But there was not answer. Martha returned to her car and used her cell phone to leave him a message. I’m waiting in the parking lot. She was tired, so a nap might be just the thing.
No sooner had Martha settled into the sleeping bed she had created in the car then the maintenance crew showed up with blowers. Glancing at her watch she figured the stores would be open by now. She hadn’t had a chance to stop and do laundry and she was out of clothes for the hot weather and, naturally, underwear. She could stand another pair of shoes too. All the hiking and sweating had really totaled her shoes. No shower and no follow through on her plans to heat water and wash her feet each night in the bucket she had brought along. Last night she had put her shoes outside they smelled so bad.
Martha arrived at the motel she had booked on line, happy to see that it was just as cute in real life as the pictures on the internet had promised. The two proprietors, Jim and Mike, were very welcoming, feeding her strawberries and chatting while final preparations on the room were made. Jim escorted her to the room, it was amazing. Personally decorated in a totally retro style, little kitchenette, plush towels and a very comfortable bed. Martha immediately took a nap.
“Mom, I’m sick again.” Vince coughed and sniffed. “I’ve just had one virus after the other since I came.”
Martha had been shocked to see him all dressed up, not only a shirt and tie, but real shoes. She remembered fighting with him , at age fourteen, before a wedding, he would not buy dress shoes. He had tried them on and looked at her in astonishment.
“Why would anyone ever wear anything that is so uncomfortable?” He had ripped the first shoe off his foot, refusing to even put the second shoe on and walk around a little. They had compromised on new black skateboard shoes, at least these weren’t held together with duct tape.
“Shoes, you have man shoes on.” Martha had pointed at his feet. My baby is truly a man now.
“Pledges have to dress up on Mondays.”
Oh, a fraternity thing. Martha shrugged. She didn’t want to get into that with him, she wasn’t happy about it at all. This parenting thing never got any easier, some how children of a certain age had to find some act that was in contradiction to the values of the parent, Martha knew that. Everyone else thought it was funny. Martha tried to be positive and see the benefits, Vince did have a ready made group of friends and they seemed to like to do the sorts of things he enjoyed, outdoors every weekend.
The four days with little glimpses of her busy son went by quickly. The last night before she was too leave he stayed late, mentioning several times that he still had homework to do. She didn’t want him to leave, but the mother in her knew that he was sick and staying up late wasn’t going to help. When she urged him to leave he laid on the bed beside her.
“I’m just really homesick.”
And so she rubbed his head, trying to smooth out the fever and the sadness, just as she had done when he was tiny. Maybe she could smooth away her own homesick feelings while she was at it.
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